Sunday, February 19, 2006

Whenever I am Nothing

I am nothing... it feels like that whenever I am down and messing things up. I want to disappear... It feels like I'm not meant to live this life. When I was young, it never occurred to me that I’d live this long. I’m a kid without dreams. Now that I am here, I don’t know what to do and how to live this life anymore. 9 years ago, I embraced the possibility of dying, despite thinking it weird to die so young at first. I just felt right to go, like it made sense. But somehow, it was not my time. The idea seems as if I want to cheat life and everyone else by wanting to die.

It’s just selfish of me. Unfortunately right now, I just can’t help it at times. I guess anyone will think it is so. I won’t blame them… because it is selfish.

I feel like nothing most of the time, especially at this part of life I haven’t dreamt of coming.

As a dear friend put it, “I pity people like you. You can have them all, but in the end, you can’t give anything…” I guess have nothing to offer anyone. That makes it feel much worse, especially if it’s true.